Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Climbing Partner Needed

Wanted: Climbing Partner
Location: New England / NY
About Greg: Greg is a competent climber who is looking to expand his climbing grades into the 5.10 realm on trad and 5.11 on sport. He spends most of his time roaming weekend-to-weekend and camping at the base of Cathedral Ledge in North Conway, NH; across the street from Rattlesnake Mountain in Rumney, NH; uses Rumney as a launching ground for adventures to Cannon Mountain in Franconia, NH; at Camp Slime in New Paltz, NY; and various locations in the Adirondack Mountains of New York. He thinks he has a good-natured approach to life in general, can be both relaxed and intense, and all with an obvious, yet livable, sense of humor. He will rarely stick-clip a climb, preferring to be able to climb it without that sort of help or not climb it at all. He enjoys trad, sport, and gym climbing, but is allergic to bouldering. He also suffers from a distinct inability to care when someone is whiny, posturing, boring, has an inferiority complex, has a superiority complex that is not of the humorous fashion, stubborn (see whiny), or generally disagreeable.

More about Greg: Greg has been climbing since Jan 1999, when he was first introduced to climbing at Rosythe Quarry in Scotland. He is primarily self-taught, as his first climb ever was a trad climb. However, he enjoys most types of climbing, but does not climb or function well in cold weather. Greg is not an ice climber or boulderer, and he will never become either (he also won't be jealous if you have a winter ice climber, but will likely be disappointed with Lincoln Woods trips over opportunities to go to Cathedral, let's say). Greg has climbed in the US, Scotland, and Switzerland. He is still unsure if he's allowed to consider France and Greece as well, as these were not climbing trips, nor anything more than fun scrambling up rocks using otherwise bouldering techniques - again, he is allergic to bouldering. His climbing resume was hit-or-miss for a few years in the middle of the decade, but he really found his stride when he founded the MassClimbers Yahoo Group sometime in 2004. From this group he has met and climbed with many people over the years. Some of these people have helped him become a better climber and person. For the most part, however, his ability to destroy lives with the quick telling of a poorly thought-out joke is what most people remember from the group. It is over 40 climbers strong now, and even though the dynamics and active members have changed, we still feel a twinge of pride of being associated with one of the most dysfunctional climbing groups ever. What can I say, we love it.

The summer of 2007, however, was the most liberating summer of Greg's climbing life. He finally found a partner who was willing to climb every weekend and do all the things necessary to become a better climber and partner. "Jello" will be missed, as he is off to fulfill his goal of becoming a climbing guide in Colorado, but his spirit and sense of humor will not be forgotten. His smelly ass most certainly will not be missed (dude, have you fixed that yet? Seriously). It is also important to note that despite "Jello"'s moving to the Rocky Mountains, Greg will continually try to get him to do one more climb at Cannon (you know which climb I'm talking about) before the season ends. Greg will also try to plan climbing trips out west so that "Jello" can also join in (unless Greg's new partner is a smoking hot female, and then "Jello" gets his own tent). Otherwise, Greg is looking to build upon last year's success. You are welcome to apply. Please see the requirements below...

Partner Requirements:

- Must have some trad and sport experience: 5-10 years preferred, though less experience may be acceptable when directly compared to disposition, attitude, and / or physical or sexual attributes fervently displayed by females.

- Grades: Must be able to lead trad climbs from 5.8 to 5.10, and sport climb into the 5.10 range. Must be willing to think about climbing harder, but without the mindset that climbing harder is always the goal. Greg is not a grade chaser by nature.

- Must be flexible: The job requires travel to different locations most weekends in the spring, summer and fall, willingness to break from the planned climbs if there are crowds, willingness to swap leads, willingness to take leads when not prepared to, compassionate in the face of injury or shameless head games, and friendly with the majority of Greg's other climbing pals. While this climbing relationship should take priority, sharing experiences with others is also expected. There will be times when Greg and the new partner will meet up with other climbers, and, thus, may be required to climb with others with the same patience and respect given to Greg and his partner.

- Willingness to Learn and Teach: Greg will teach you some things. You will teach him some things. We will learn from each other and build upon our experiences. We will do some climbs specifically for building teamwork and efficiency (but not always). We will learn together what the best systems are for the following (not inclusive): rope management at belays, splitting the gear to carry, swapping ropes and gear so that not all of one person's gear is always used (also used with cars), swapping leads, exchanging gear, communication when out of earshot (rope calls), taking a shit mid-climb, picture taking, APPROACHES AND DESCENTS (this one is very important!!), etc.

- Language / Accents: Foul language and severely politically incorrect conversations must be allowed. A fake Scottish accent to have such conversations in is strongly preferred. (btw - "Jello" and I had move beyond the "yo' mama" jokes and were well on to the "yo' dead sista" jokes by the end of last summer).

- Crisis: The inherent ability to remain calm and responsive in an emergency situation is required. If a partner is shaken up (physically or mentally), then it must be OK to end the day. It is more important to fight another day than to die. However, if one strongly feels that an opportunity to die cannot be done at any other given moment (e.g. - the last day of climbing in France where, let's say, the top of the cliff offers great views into a womens' dormitory room at a nude yoga college), then physical and emotional strains can and will be overcome for the sake of giving up one's personal pain in order to allow for another's personal gain. We live together, we die together, except when we live apart and die separately.

- Climbing for Oneself: Ultimately, we all make our own beds at the end of the day (unless we're making the beds for the French yoga students). We all have to sleep in what we make (again, hopefully the above example holds true), and we must live with the lumps as much as the comfy parts. Therefore, it shall be noted that Greg climbs for himself, and he expects any partner to also climb for his or herself as well. Greg is not going to be a rope gun for folks looking for adventure. If Greg does not feel comfortable leading a route, and the partner does not feel comfortable, then the route shall not be led. Greg is willing to climb second if the partner wants to lead a specific route. Greg is willing to lead if a partner does not want to lead a particular route. But Greg will not lead a route just because the partner wants to climb it. Greg also does not expect the climber to lead the routes that Greg is afraid to lead, as well. It goes both ways. Certainly, there will be discussions about which routes to do, as we all have our own desires and tick lists. These are discussions and not peer pressure opportunities. If you want to climb a route, you'd better be ready to lead it, unless I'm willing to lead it, and then you can second. Otherwise, be prepared to leave it for another day.

- Swiss Army Knife Fights: Greg is willing to ditch his and "Jello"'s longstanding tradition of fighting to the death with Swiss Army knives to determine who gets the money-pitch on classic climbs. However, if this tradition is renewed, then one rule must be set forth in advance: when trying to bite off the other's ear, one is not allowed to miss and accidentally bite the other's lip instead. The reason: it looks like kissing. This, of course, is irrelevant if you have female parts and have oiled up in advance.

- (In)sanity: It does not hurt the new partner's chances of partnership if there is a little bit of insanity running in the family. Bushwhacking trips are preferably avoidable, but can be accommodated from time to time. Stories of turning one's car into a roller coaster by driving alongside guardrails in snowstorms are welcome at any moment. Also acceptable are the following: throwing rap ropes into the tree branches that are directly in front of you and allowing photos of your stupidity, climbing cracks anyway despite knowing that a yellow jacket nest is in the sweetest spot of the crack, dropping $50 radios 500 feet (actually, that's not that funny), accidentally smashing cellphone battery chargers in the car door, forgetting clothes, forgetting tents, forgetting sleeping bags and pillows, farting in borrowed clothes (no, wait a minute, that's also not funny), letting one's shit waft less than 10 feet away (third pitch - Whitney Gilman - stay away from the cairn. It's not a cairn), slicing fingers with can openers (another one that isn't funny), jumping naked into public waterways, sharing a single bag of rice with a single can of chicken for dinner, finding the wrong belay station and leaving the partner in a really fucking scary belay spot while you climb choss in search of the route we're supposed to be on, running in the rain and fog on the edge of Cannon Mountain at night, getting naked in the parking lot of Cannon Mountain because we're soaked to the bone and need to change, someday finding the asshole that built the hiking trail that leads from the bottom of the main hiking trail that goes up to the tower back to the climbing parking lot at Cannon and beating the living crap out of him with a lead pipe, hiking in the dark when we don't have a clue where we are, making sounds of female mountain lions in the dark when a mountain lion has been spotted in the vicinity, taking shits mid-climb (Top of Bombardment - stay out of the bushes), and taking lots and lots of pictures while belaying, etc.

Thank you for your interest in this wonderful climbing opportunity. Please inquire for this position by stating your climbing resume and easiest way to contact you in the comments section below. One should not use real phone numbers or e-mail addresses, but should be more clandestine in nature.

Finally, Greg is not responsible for you and your stupidity.


2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Geez Greg!!!

Didn't realize you and Jello were so thorough in "marking" your territory with scat. Clearly complete control of flatulence and bowel movements are not a partner requirement. Maybe the thunder I heard that rainy night at Cathedral wasn't thunder after all!

Regarding food, I did note that you and Jello seemed to travel on somewhat short rations. No problem, for me when climbing is involved, food is optional.

Regarding slicing and dicing to get the plum pitches I'm a lover not a fighter so no conflict there.

I do appreciate and have an understanding of why you capitalized "APPROACHES/DESCENTS". Looking back the crux on a number of my climbs have been on the descent. Knocking myself unconscious coming down the WG trail and a epic descent on my first day, spilling into the second day, at RR are two that stand out.

One last thing. If the occasion does present itself, there is one crucial thing I would need to know, before we tie in together. That is, what exactly was your strategy given the event the Mountain Lion did respond to Jello's and your calls?

Bill

GB said...

Mountain Lion Calls Response - figure it out as we go along, but not without a plan!