Rain, Falling, Breathing, and Rope Burn

Friday evening was a late one for me. I've been on the Board of Directors of a small, non-profit farm for the past two years and Friday evening was our big, spring fundraiser (a silent auction). I didn't get home until about 11pm, and had to to make a couple of phone calls / e-mail checks before showering and heading off to bed. My inbox confirmed several folks were heading to Rumney on Saturday, and two of my phone calls confirmed that we had enough people going from Boston and back to warrant car-pooling. The forecast had changed a bit from earlier in the day. "Ratherbe" and I were thinking of heading to Rumney on Saturday and either Cathedral or Farley on Sunday, but the weather had played a mildly cruel trick on us by predicting rain for Sunday. One day of climbing at Rumney would have to do.

RRRRIIINNNNG!!!

My alarm had gone off twice by 6:15am. I hit snooze each time knowing that I'd have time to get up, eat, cleaned, and clothed by the time "Ratherbe", "Gammie", and "GGF" met me at my place at 730am. I wasn't driving, so I had no need to get the car ready to take everyone else's gear. I had already packed the day before, and my clothes for the weekend, tent, pad, food stuff, gear, and toiletries were already packed and ready to go. Just a couple of more minutes...

RRRRIIINNNNG!!!

I could feel the edges of my eyes where they had crusted over during the night. My comforter was heavy on my body, and I snuggled against the warm spots in my bed thinking about how premature I was in turning off my heat for the warmer seasons the weekend before. It was consistently in the 60s that weekend, and that was enough to bring the temperatures in my apartment over to a comfortable 70 degrees-plus. Why can't we store room temperature? Why hasn't anyone discovered a way to save excess heat from the summer so that it can be used in the winter, and / or vice-versa with cold weather in the winter? Why do I think about these things in my sle...

RRRRIIINNNNG!!!

Who is meeting us there? And who is meeting me here? "Gecko" was meeting us at Rumney. So was "KITT". "Rank" lived near "Ratherbe" and I tried to connect them the evening before so that "Rank" didn't have to drive to my place just to ride in "Ratherbe"'s car. But it was only about a ten-minute drive from there to here if the connection wasn't made Saturday morning. A few minutes of needed sleep for me wouldn't hurt either of them.

RRRRIIINNNNG!!!

The light in my room was a heavy grey and all but my dark curtains were blurry. I pulled the covers below my neck, felt the bite of the morning air, and pulled them back up again. Would we go to Cathedral and camp if there was snow on the ground?Farley is a much better idea...

RRRRIIINNNNG!!! "Call from "Rath-er-be"..." ...RRRRIIINNNNG!!! "Call from "Rath-er-be"..."

What the? ... RRRRIIINNNNG!!! "Call from "Rath-er-be"..." Crap!

I raced to the phone in the other room just as my alarm clock went off for the third time. When I picked up the phone, "Ratherbe" had the unfortunate news of rain at Rumney, which means we weren't going climbing on Saturday, and probably not on Sunday either as the forecast was now calling for rain all weekend. Bugger, I thought, as I was looking forward to getting on sport for the first time this season. I made phone calls to "Gecko", "KITT", "Gammie", and "Rank", and let them know that we could meet up at the gym at 1030am. Feeling the need for extra sleep, I crawled back into bed and closed my ey...zzzz...
Gym

I told you a couple of weeks ago about how I had read about relaxing while falling, and how breathing should help to do that. In that post I vowed to focus on breathing in general, and began taking falls on purpose in order to practice relaxing while falling. I noted that exhaling during a fall helps to relax the body, and that if I extended that focus on breathing toward actual breathing regularly and calmly during climbing that I'd begin to feel relaxed normally, and not just while falling. My goal was to first get used to falling while relaxed by picking a spot on the route before climbing, reaching that spot, and then falling unannounced to my belayor. The intent was to prepare myself to fall even though my belayor wasn't ready (thus getting over the fear of falling unannounced). What I've learned is two things: 1) that this helps get over the fear of falling, but not the fear of that moment before falling and; 2) that it's better practice for the belayor than it is for the climber.

But first things first - the breathing. I knew this was going to be difficult to get used to, but I have learned that if I do pay attention to it that does make a big difference in my overall performance. If you remember, my goal was to breathe at a consistent rate throughout the climb, regardless of the difficulty of the moves. The idea was that I would only make a climbing move when exhaling (as if I were weight lifting instead), and if my breathing was such that I wasn't exhaling when I was ready to move, then I'd wait until I did exhale.

As I noted above, this has helped tremendously, but only when I remember to focus on it. I can't say that I have enough information yet to confirm just how productive this is, but the small amount of evidence that I have collected is conclusive: it works when I get it right, and difficult to control when I get it wrong. Stay tuned, as I hope to have enough "data" collected to come to a conclusion by the season's end.

Now, as for the falling. My approach was to take unannounced falls that I had planned to take before climbing (i.e. - I know when I'm falling but my belayor doesn't). This was to serve two objectives: 1) that I'd get used to falling and; 2) that I'd get used to breathing while falling. Thus far, I have to say that the results have been phenomenal. No more am I afraid of falling, and I'm making falls easier on myself by exhaling when I push off. The problem? I really need a #3 under my objectives. The third would be to train myself to take an unannounced fall when I don't know that I'm falling, and I have realized this lately by watching "KITT" and "Ratherbe" take falls using my approach. It has helped them, but it hasn't helped me (to be clear: "Gecko" never needed my approach. The guy just falls and he's OK).

"Ratherbe" had been worried lately about climbing routes that she didn't know anything about. In fact, it has been worrying her enough such that she's been feeling insecure about disappointing her climbing partners by not being willing to climb something mysterious, regardless of grade. I tried to tell her that it was a phase; that we all go through days where we have good "head" days and bad "head" days, and that her recent experience was merely a bad "head" day. I told her today at the gym that she should take a couple of relaxed falls just to get her head back into a good comfort zone, and she did. She then went on to lead harder and harder routes throughout the day, several of which she took legitimate lead falls on. It should be noted, as well, that she doesn't like leading in the gym in general. So not only did she feel better about taking falls, but she actually took them on hard routes in an environment where she doesn't feel comfortable leading.

I, on the other hand, had no problems taking falls when I knew I was going to - but I shouted "take" whenever I felt as if I was going to take a legitimate fall (instead of just taking the fall). It seems that I'm getting too used to taking falls only when I'm ready. I guess the only way that I'm going get used to taking legitimate falls is if I start leading harder routes and going until I fall. So far, I think my breathing and falling experiment is working, but it isn't producing helpful results yet. There is still time, however, and at least I can say that I'm learning. But I need to apply what I've learned in order to prove that I've actually learned it. Thus fas, my partners are better learners than I am. I hope that I can muster the courage to learn with them, too.

One final note, I learned first-hand today why one should never have one's feet on the wrong side of the rope while leading. I took a fall on purpose and somehow didn't see that my feet were in the wrong place. Just as soon as I felt the back of my left ankle rub against the rope, I felt my ass stay higher than my head. This scared me, and so I immediately pulled my left leg free so that I didn't land upside down. However, I was left with a pretty bad rope burn going across my Achilles tendon. It hurt like a son-of-a-gun then, and also later when I showered. I think it is fine now, but I can easily see how, on a much bigger whipper, someone could sever tendons or loose a foot. This isn't just about preventing an upside down fall, but it's also about preventing potential injuries to your feet. So beware! Always make sure that your feet are not on the wrong side of the rope when above the clip, and if you can't help it, make sure that you are in total control and won't fall. Because I can say first-hand that it hurts like hell.

Gearing Up

I haven't written in a while because I've been stuck indoors the past few weeks. This has nothing to do with weather and more to do with my lack of ability to manage my time and partners well. I'm not sure if this has become a burden or not: I haven't climbed outside in a while so I've lost my feel for real rock; or I'm getting stronger at the gym thanks to a new training method that I described in my previous post.

In any case, I do have two updates. One is that I'm off to Red Rocks (Vegas) in less than a week to climb with "Tattoo" for the first time since he turned asshole and moved to the Left Coast. I'm excited about the prospect of finally going on my first, real climbing trip in years. I know, I got out a lot this summer, but gassing it to the various spots in New England and New York just aren't the same thing. These places may be destinations for some people, but they're in my backyard and I've never considered my backyard to be a destination (unless, of course, I'm really drunk and need to get away from myself). So Red Rocks is my first trip away from home since I went to Switzerland while in school in Scotland back in 2000. I will have a daily diary posted once I get back. I hope "Tattoo" has a camera, because if he doesn't the pics are going to be from a disposable camera, and I'm not confident of the quality they'll bring. So, for crossed fingers and anxious mouse-clicking index fingers awaiting my imminent return, stand down; I'll be alive here again soon enough.

The other update regards my new training method: that of leading a route that is beyond my range each time I go to the gym so that I become comfortable with being afraid and above my limits. I have to say that it is working. "Geneva" has also been inspired by my bug, so he is also pushing himself. I had a set-back last night as I just had a terrible day (thank you sugar. yes, you wonderful substance that lives in the candy brought in to work by all the parents of little children who don't want said little children to have that much candy). I had about fifteen highs and lows yesterday, with the climbing part of my day being a serious energy low.

Still, I'm getting better and more efficient at things I'm afraid of climbing. I'm happy that this is working out. I hope to be leading 11s consistently by spring. I also hope this translates in harder routes outside next summer. Only time will tell.

New Training Method

There are two main reasons why I climb: 1) because of the emotional / psychological benefits I get from constantly challenging my fears and healing my damaged soul and; 2) because it is an exercise that is similar to weightlifting without the boring repetition. I used to lift a lot in college and, despite getting considerably stronger over time, I never really got the benefits I wanted because I never felt challenged enough. Sure, I could always go up in weight or do more reps, but how does that keep the mind interested in keeping the body fit? For me, it doesn't.

So that's why I became hooked on climbing when I did. It wasn't just the "blow my mind into therapy" that struck me, it was the notion that I didn't have to go to the gym and two three sets of this, two sets of that and one, long set of that. As one might expect, climbing is a sport that offers many challenges that never get old.

However, just because climbing offers variety, that does not mean that one seeks variety necessarily. If one wants to improve, then one needs to train in order to improve. Climbing itself will help, but if one does not have the will power to climb using techniques that are normally difficult, then one will likely stay with the same type of technique over and over again. For some people, that is not a problem, but it is for me for two reasons: 1) I like variety and don't want to stay on crimpers all the time and; 2) climbing only strengthens what is already strong unless one works on those weak areas. The reason why climbing only strengthens what is already strong is demonstrated through a simple example: one only falls where one is weak. Think about that for a moment. If you weren't weak, then you wouldn't fall. Sure, there are many reasons why people fall, but all of those reasons can be attributed to some sort of weakness. For example, a fall due to fatigue may be relevant to a general lack of endurance, or it could be a lack of strength in the particular muscles that are being worked at that moment in time. If one falls repeatedly on over-hanging routes (see Greg vigorously raising his hand) then it means that one is weak in the abs (or the body's core). If one falls on crimpers, then one is weak in the forearms or lacks the core strength to use one's legs. Naturally, there are many variations and excuses that folks can use, but if you fall it isn't because you were strong, because you wouldn't have fallen.

Now then, just to hammer this a little bit more, a fall happens at a particular point or moment in time; when the muscles that are being called upon are no longer useful enough to make the transition from one hold to the next. This is a precise moment in time that is only attributed to that particular moment. I want to note this because I am aware of a specific argument that folks have made against this argument of mine: what happens when a crimp climber gets through a tough sloper section and then, after that, falls on a crimp hold above the sloper section? The answer is still clear as day. The crimp climber wasn't strong enough on crimps after sloper holds. In other words, the slopers wore the climber out so much that the muscles used for climbing in general were too fatigued to hold on. What I'm saying here is not that the crimp muscles specifically (fingers, forearms) were tired (because the open-hand muscles were used for the slopers), but more that the larger muscles used to compensate for being a weak sloper-climber were used too much for the smaller crimp muscles to compensate for the lack of strength in the larger muscles on the other end. It wasn't the smaller muscles that caused the failure, but the larger ones instead. But that is just one example. Naturally, it can happen in reverse, too. There will always be a weakness somewhere right before a fall. If one wants to stop falling, one should work the weaker muscles and that is not always done by simply climbing. One has to climb specific routes in order to isolate the weak muscles.

OK, so that means that if one is weak in one area of climbing then one should focus on that body part. That's OK for me so long, in my mind, that I'm not doing the boring repetitions. As long as there is variety, I can work on cracks versus faces, crimps versus slopers, or overhangs versus low-angle slabs. But, as I mentioned above, climbing isn't all physical, is it? No, it's not, and that is also a weakness.

I'm not going to go into the whole "damaged" soul thing, but let's just say that through my quest for the meaning of life (specifically, my life: footnote - Theory of Moral Sentiments, by Adam Smith), I feel the need to find ways of personal sufferance so that I can work through whatever problems or issues I may have. Probably the biggest issue I have is overcoming my fears of over overcoming fears. I know, that sounds redundant, but it isn't. When I get moving, I have no problem sticking my head under the executioner's axe. I've learned to accept that if I'm going to be honest and blunt about how I feel about people then I need to be able to be blunt and honest about myself (which, essentially, means accepting others' viewpoints of me). But the problem isn't overcoming those fears, its overcoming the fear of knowing that there could be unforeseen difficulties or consequences. In other words, once I realize that something is going to hurt, I'm OK with letting it hurt. It's the unknown that scares me the most.

Now what the hell does this have to do with climbing? Well, I've been stuck on 5.8s all summer long. Yes, these are trad routes and one typically climbs a couple grades lower than sport or in the gym when leading trad, but I know I can make harder moves and sustain those moves long enough to place gear, chalk up, and / or continue climbing. Earlier this summer, as I was getting to know my capabilities, I was OK with climbing 5.8 because I wasn't sure how I'd do. But as the summer progressed, I started to get this itch in my heart that was telling me to climb harder. Well, I didn't climb harder because I wasn't sure if I could do it or not. It turns out I was OK not knowing about 5.8 but not OK not knowing about 5.9. Even though I was leading 5.11 in the gym, I was still afraid of 5.9 or 5.10 outside. This bothered me, but not because I knew I could pull the moves. It was because I was afraid, and being afraid made me very, very disappointed in myself. Emotionally, it got to a point where I knew I had to find a way to get over it.

So how does one train for this? Easy - go to the gym, if that's your choice location, which it is mine, and lead stuff that is out of range both physically and mentally. For me, that's committing or overhanging routes. I've never been afraid of exposure, but I've always been afraid of committing to exposure. I can stand on the edge of a cliff all day long with my legs dangling off into open space, but if you ask me to do jumping jacks on the edge...forget about it.

The idea for me is to get to a point where I'm comfortable pushing myself. It's not really about falling as much as it is about quitting. I don't want to give up on myself. Too many other people have done that already. I don't need me to be in that boat with them. So, every time I go to the gym this winter, which will be several times per week once the cold air keeps me inside, I will have my climbing partner choose a route for me that is out of my range. I will then lead that route and conquer my fears until I'm comfortable getting on something harder or, if Paralysis at Poke-O-Moonshine comes about again, something unexpected. If I get on something harder and I know it is hard, then of course the goal is to climb it clean. But if I get on something unexpected, then the goal to know that I can work through it. In the end, however, the goal is to not be afraid about testing my limits and not be afraid when I get there or above my limits.

I started my training on Saturday and continued it last night. I asked my partners to choose for me so that my own fears and uncertainties don't sell me short. In other words, I know what my mental state is because I'm living it. So if my limit is ordinarily 5.10c, let's say, and I'm not feeling strong then I may cop out and jump on a 5.10a and call that a challenge. However, if my partner knows my limit is 5.10c, but doesn't know my mental state of mind, then my partner will choose a 5.10c for me. There's a big difference there, and I think that will get me to the next step: being able to be strong and secure enough to choose my own challenges.